


This Is What Humans Do

by Slimothy_Jimothy



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/M, Female Beelzebub (Good Omens), Gabriel x Beelzebub - Freeform, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Non-Graphic Smut, Slow Burn, gabriel/beelzebub - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 01:43:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20381632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slimothy_Jimothy/pseuds/Slimothy_Jimothy
Summary: When Gabriel bumps into Beelzebub on Earth, he is reasonably wary. But as time passes, the two learn that they have a lot in common. Worse than that, they get along well. Perhaps a little too well.





	This Is What Humans Do

_ “The hills are alive with the sound of music _

_ With songs they have sung for a thousand years _

_ The hills fill my heart with the sound of music _

_ My heart wants to sing every song it hears...” _

Gabriel exhaled slowly through his nose, rubbing his temples as he did so. He didn’t have a headache; no one had headaches in heaven. Angels were never tired, or sick, or anything else unpleasant. It meant that they never had to stop working. The problem was that his heart was filled with the sound of music, and it had been so for what felt like _ well _ over a thousand years. _ The Sound of Music _, which was Her current favorite playlist to broadcast across Heaven, had come out relatively recently. It had been April 1st, 1965. Gabriel remembered this, because he had assumed that God was trying to make an April Fools joke. She wasn’t.

He trusted in the Almighty, of course. He couldn’t have risen to such an important position without being impossibly loyal. But sometimes, when those angelic harmonies got a little too repetitive, he wished for the one thing God had never granted him. A nap. Gabriel had worked tirelessly since The Beginning. Ignoring the fact that the passage of time hadn’t really kicked off until the creation--he’d really been working longer than time itself. There were no days or nights in Heaven, just a steady flow of new paperwork to fill out. Heaven had come up with a system of government long before humans had. But then, humans were made in Her image, so they were bound to come up with their own systems eventually. Gabriel liked Heaven’s way of governing things, especially since he played such a major part in it. But right now...

_ “My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds _

_ that rise from the lake to the trees...” _

A vacation was well deserved, wasn’t it?

_ “My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies _

_ from a church on a breeze...” _

He’d never taken time off before. Surely no one would object to it.

_ “To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over _

_ stones on its way...” _

They knew that he was a dedicated worker. The archangel Gabriel, loved by his coworkers because he picked up the slack wherever it was needed. He’d served them well. What was a week off, really?

_ To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray...” _

For the first time ever, Gabriel felt that Earth wasn’t so unappealing.

***

Gabriel stepped out onto the freshly paved American street, polished shoes making a pleasant sound as they met the asphalt. His shoes were shined and his clothes were comfortable, although too thick for a sunny day like this. He’d gotten used to the cloudy weather of England since that’s where his principality, Aziraphale, resided these days. America was different. Bigger, louder, newer, more spread apart. There were massive stadiums and enormous shopping centers. Most neighborhoods were spaced out in neat blocks so that each house had a front and back yard to itself. Gabriel loved America for a lot of the same reasons that other people hated it. The sports were the main attraction, as far as Gabriel was concerned. American football was loud and brutal and _ fun. _He’d tried to pitch the idea of hosting sports games in Heaven, but they didn’t take to anything other than cricket, and occasionally golf. Gabriel thought these games were really okay. Just okay. They were somehow even less interesting when played by angels who were doing it for leisure rather than competition. 

America, however, was all about competition. Everything was a sport here, including war. Gabriel loved every bit of it. He felt that he shared a lot of their ideals.

Compared to most angels, Gabriel was very competent at fitting in on Earth. Of course, most angels had never been to Earth. He decided that a sports bar was a nice place to start learning.

Sauntering into someplace called Bill’s Grill & Sports Bar, he was met with a blast of air conditioning. It was dimly lit, smelled heavily of alcohol, and there was a murmur coming from the TV screens placed strategically around the room. It was almost empty, due to it being 3:00PM on a Tuesday. This being his first ever impression of a bar, Gabriel assumed that they were always this calm. He scanned the room for anyone else.

There was a single, boyish figure sitting at the bar, sipping on something dark brown and foamy. They sat in a manner that suggested they were relaxed yet attentive. There was something about the way this person spread their legs slightly across the stool, elbows on the counter yet back straightened, that conveyed a sense of authority. It was aided by the black suit, and the red sash.

Gabriel’s eyes narrowed. There was no way in Hell--well, it would’ve made sense in Hell--no way on _ Earth _ that he’d run into the only other spiritual being in this entire city. Continent, even. _ Planet, _even, other than Aziraphale and Crowley, who should be on the other side of the ocean right now. Gabriel gave a soft groan to himself, debating on whether or not he should leave before she saw him.

But then she turned and looked at him. There was a long moment in which the two narrowed their eyes almost accusingly, scanning one another. Gabriel had the uncomfortable feeling that he was being sized up, which wasn’t something he’d felt very many times. Eventually it was Beelzebub who gave a curt nod, and turned back to her drink. She would allow him to stay. Gabriel could walk out and leave the tension behind, but now that she’d approved of him, it was about pride. An archangel couldn’t just walk away from an archduke like that. There was an unspoken code of conduct that needed to be followed.

So, Gabriel sat down beside her, heart hammering in his chest. He wasn’t good at reading vitals yet, but he felt that a faster heart rate probably had something to do with stress. 

Beelzebub didn’t look at him. Didn’t even give a grunt of acknowledgement. She just raised her glass to her mouth, and drank. Foam formed a tangy mustache on her upper lip, so she flicked it away with her index finger. Everything she did was calculated, even the most relaxed gestures held poise. Gabriel’s heart continued at its rigorous pace, as he realized that he felt somewhat threatened_ . _

Not because she was a woman of course. Women and men all sort of blended together in both Heaven and Hell. The concept of sexism hadn’t ever reached them. Which was probably because the concept of sex itself was limited, as far as being a spiritual entity went. You weren’t _ really _a man or a woman, as far as a human might evaluate it. You were just sort of man-shaped or woman-shaped, depending on what you wanted. Gabriel had always admired Beelzebub’s shape. She carried a certain prowess about her that he couldn’t explain, but appreciated nonetheless. Part of him liked to think that he carried that same energy in Heaven. 

Gabriel cleared his throat, trying to draw attention to himself. When Beelzebub didn’t look over, he went further. “So, Beelzebub. Fancy seeing you here.”

Beelzebub cast him a dull look now. She kept her eyes on him, but still seemed more preoccupied with her drink. Gabriel couldn’t help but feel offended.

“Hm. What’re you visiting for?” he forced a pearly smile.

Beelzebub took her time with her drink, before setting it down against the bar with a hollow clink. “Just visiting.”

Gabriel blinked. Her words were simple, and to the point, as always. Again, he felt a strange mixture of respect and aggravation. “What a coincidence, me too. I’ve decided to take a vacation, for the first time... well, ever.”

Beelzebub stared in disinterest.

Gabriel began to sweat. That was a new sensation as well. Not sweating in general, but sweating under social pressure. “So... What are you doing with your visit, exactly?”

Beelzebub gestured vaguely towards the closest TV screen. “I’m here to watch the game.”

“Oh.” Gabriel perked up a bit. “What game?”

“Dunno.” Beelzebub focused on the TV, which was playing an advertisement for some burger restaurant. “That’s just what they say up here. That they’re about to watch The Game. That they’re with their friends, watching The Game. That they saw The Game last night.”

Gabriel nodded, smile wavering. “Guess they don’t have to specify.” He drummed his fingers against the bar, swallowing uncomfortably. After a moment of searching for a new topic, he focused on her empty glass. “Say, you’ve finished your drink. How about I buy you a new one? Courtesy, of course. One leader to another.”

Beelzebub seemed more interested now, as her eyes left the TV to stare at him again. “Have you ever had a drink before?”

Gabriel hadn’t expected such a pointed question. No, actually. He’d never had a drink before. “Of course I have,” he laughed nervously.

“Like what?”

“Hm?”

“What’ve you had?”

“Oh. You know,” there was a pause in which Gabriel fussed over how his hands were laying on the bar. “Water.”

Beelzebub’s stare seemed to grow sharper. “Well then,” she signaled for the bartender to come over, and ordered something that Gabriel couldn’t properly hear. The bartender poured them both a tall glass of something that smelled vaguely wheaty, in a sharp way. Gabriel refrained from wrinkling his nose. He wasn’t sure what to do when Beelzebub passed him the glass.

“Mmm,” he forced a smile. “Smells delicious.”

“It really doesn’t,” said Beelzebub slowly. “But good try.”

Gabriel raised his glass, trying to look confident. Beelzebub clinked her own glass against his, though there was nothing celebratory about her. Gabriel couldn’t help but smile. Heaven, like Disneyland, encouraged its workers to smile almost constantly. It was ingrained in him.

Raising the glass to his lips, he gulped. A burning warmth spread from his throat to his chest, and eventually somewhere lower. Gabriel didn’t have much experience existing on Earth, so it was a surprise to him when his throat convulsed and his eyes watered. Three new sensations at one time.

It may have been the dim lighting, but for just a moment, Beelzebub seemed to be almost smiling. It disappeared as quickly as it came. “You’ve really never had alcohol before?”

Gabriel shook his head, eyes still watering. “Can’t say I have. Do you have it often?”

“No. Only on special occasions.”

“And what’s the occasion?”

“I’m here to watch The Game.” 

Gabriel paused. That had been a joke. Beelzebub had made a joke. Her expression hadn’t changed, but he was sure that she’d been making an attempt at humor. This made him chuckle a little. “Well alright, then. Guess I’m here to watch The Game too.”

Beelzebub blinked glassily. “Head office won’t mind you consorting with a demon?”

Gabriel paused, mulling this over, before shrugging it off. “I’m on vacation, and so are you. It isn’t as if we’re doing anything _ important _. Besides... I am head office.”

Beelzeebub clinked her glass against his again. “I am too.”

***

Gabriel had never had a drink in his life, much less five. Everything had become very funny. The commercials on the surrounding TVs, the door opening with a squeak, the clink of glasses. Beelzebub would say something every once in awhile that probably had no humor to it, but he found it hilarious. He laughed until he could hardly breathe; another new sensation, except he rather liked that one. But about ten minutes ago things had taken a turn. He was angry now.

“That, that Michael, I’m telling you--he’s awful. Just the _ worst. _ Just the absolute awfulest. Do you know what he did, just the other day?” 

Beelzebub, who’d had a few drinks too, was also angry. But she was a silent, reserved angry. Her shoulders were hunched to her ears now, as she grumbled. “Tell me.”

“He told me that I’m TALL.”

“Okay.”

“Well it’s RUDE isn’t it? The way he said it--he said it--he said it like he meant it. Like I was stupid for being tall. He made his dumb smile that he does when he’s going to staple all of your papers on the wrong corner. Petty, conniving little... little...”

“Bitch.”

“YEAH.” Gabriel gave her shoulder a rough, sloppy pat. She was unmoving. “You know how it is.”

“I deal with a lot of bitches.”

“YES you DO. Hell is just full of them, I bet.”

“It is.”

“Awful. You and I, we’re the only ones that get it, you know? We’re the only ones here who get it. The only ones anywhere who get it. Because we’re... we’re...” he tried and failed several times to grab his empty glass. 

“Not bitches.”

“That’s right.” Gabriel found his glass, taking a drink of air. “We are not bitches.” He paused to study his glass, before his eyes drifted over towards Beelzebub. It took awhile to focus on her, but once he had, he lingered for awhile. Her hair was a mess of black outlining a pale face, as usual. But something was missing. “Beelzebub, your fly!” he cried out. “Where did your fly go?”

Beelzebub shrugged. “Left it in Hell. People on Earth stare.”

Gabriel nodded understandingly, almost falling off his stool as he leaned too far backwards. “Is it more like a hat, or a pet?”

She paused to stare down at her hands. “Both.” 

“Does it have a name?”

“Yeah.”

“Ooh, what is it?”

“Fly.”

“Mmmm. Good choice.” Gabriel stretched, almost tumbling off his stool again. “Let’s head out. Go on a walk.”

“Both of us?” Beelzebub raised a brow quizzically.

“Sure. Don’t see why not.”

Gabriel got to his feet with some difficulty, swaggering out of the bar. Once he’d found and navigated his way out the door, he rested against the wall outside. Beelzebub stepped on the back of his shoes, buzzed in aggravation, and propped herself up against the wall next to him. So close to him, actually, that their sides were brushing. Spacial awareness had left both of them sometime around the third drink. Gabriel was new to this, whereas Beelzebub had minimal experience and was tiny in size. The alcohol was doing a number on both of them.

Beelzebub’s head kind of lolled onto Gabriel’s arm, eyes struggling to stay focused. Both angel and demon were slanting to the left dangerously, like a creative statue in a park. Somehow, the inkling of a thought managed to make its way to the forefront of Beelzebub’s mind.

“In human movies, they always make foolish decisions when they’re drunk.”

Gabriel hadn’t seen much human television in his time. He blinked, one eye seeming to close slightly slower than the other. “Like what?”

“Like having children.” 

Gabriel snorted. “Children are a gift.”

“Debatable.” Beelzebub slurred, fumbling around for her face so that she could rub her eyes. 

“What other poor decisions do they make?”

“Sometimes they just kiss.”

Gabriel laughed, almost losing his footing despite being on flat ground. “Humans are strange. Can’t say I see the appeal to pressing your mouth against someone else’s.”

Beelzebub turned to look up at him, a brilliant idea springing to mind. “Well, I think I’d like to find out why it’s so appealing. Having to see them go on about it all the time--might as well find out why.”

Gabriel looked down at her in surprise. It _ did _make sense. Since the two of them weren’t muddled up in all of that romantic nonsense, it would be a clean test. No lovey-dovey feelings making things seem better than they really were. Suddenly he was very curious as well. “That makes sense, actually. We can both find out what the appeal is, and never have to wonder about it ever again.”

Beelzebub nodded. “It seems reasonable. Shall I start?”

Gabriel mulled this over. He wasn’t sure how exactly to execute a kiss, but neither did Beelzebub. There weren’t too many variables to worry about, he supposed. Just kiss them and they kiss you back. Try not to fall over drunk. What was a little experiment amongst leaders? 

“Fine with me,” Gabriel shrugged.

Beelzebub did not rise to meet him. She waited for him to bend down to meet her, before she kissed him.

By all accounts, it was a pretty good kiss. Gabriel thought so, anyway. It lasted a few seconds, before the two pulled away. He had to admit, he was feeling a little disappointed that it hadn’t felt nearly as amazing as it was described. It had smelled like whiskey, and tasted like it too. Beelzebub looked dissatisfied as well.

“Well that’s all rubbish, then,” she wiped her mouth off on the back of her hand. “Thought it was meant to feel like something.”

“Yes,” frowned Gabriel. “I have to say, I was expecting something marvelous to happen.” 

“Maybe it did, and we missed it.”

“Maybe so.”

“Maybe we ought to try again?”

“I can vouch for that.”

The two kissed again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that you like this story so far! These two characters bounce off one another really well, and I honestly think I ship them more than the fandom's main ship, Ineffable Husbands! Constructive criticism is welcome. Thank you for reading!


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